‘The Boy I Am, The Man I Choose To Be’ Age measures time. Development measures capacity. A relational development workbook for boys, men & those who love them.
South Africa
Joined March 2013
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Someone can provide genuine relief during a difficult season without necessarily being an appropriate person with whom to build an entire life.
Conflict is not necessarily evidence of a broken relationship.
Two people can have different needs, perspectives & experiences without either being the enemy.
But have we developed the capacity to disagree without compromising human dignity?
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Anger can communicate that something is wrong. It does not give us permission to be cruel.
Emotional regulation is not suppressing anger. It is developing the capacity to express it without causing unnecessary harm.
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Ch.11 explores conflict as a human capacity we intentionally develop. The goal isn’t victory, submission or avoiding difficult conversations. It’s clarity, accountability, safety & a workable next step
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Who are we becoming in the fight? 🇿🇦 South Africa, is it possible that we defend our society and develop our society at the same time?
What we are developing within ourselves as we fight?
Because we still have to coexist within the society we are fighting for.
A man who has never developed the capacity to identify, understand, communicate and regulate his emotions is more vulnerable to having those emotions organised FOR him by external authorities.
It benefits the system for men to be emotionally illiterate.
We think our anger, entitlement & violence are caused by other people’s behaviour.
But we are responsible for our own choices. Healthy love, communication, accountability & conflict resolution are skills we learn, practise and use to reject violence.
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Understanding developmental gaps does not excuse harmful behaviour. Accountability asks us to own our actions. Development equips us to change.
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GBVF prevention requires more than teaching people to protect themselves. We must examine the capacities our families, schools & communities cultivate.
What relational skill was modelled least consistently for you growing up?
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Some of you “love” Christ the same way you love that grootman who always pays for everyone’s food and alcohol.
Not as a leader embodying the principles you should be living by, but as a scapegoat continuously absorbing the consequences of capacities you refuse to develop.
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12
At the very foundation of our healing, we need to distinguish between ‘you’ & ‘me’. Enmeshment has been part of our survival strategy.
Because when, during apartheid & its aftermath, were we afforded the safety, time & resources to develop healthy human relational capacities? 🇿🇦
Shame doesn’t simply tell us we did something wrong. It can convince us that we ARE wrong.
When children experience rejection, humiliation or conditional love, they may begin to associate their worth with their behaviour.
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Guilt says, “I did something wrong.”
Shame says, “I am wrong.”
This distinction matters when developing accountability.
We want people capable of recognising harm, taking responsibility and repairing it, rather than becoming paralysed by self-condemnation.
Here, we examine how shame shapes identity, relationships and accountability.
Are we teaching children to recognise and repair mistakes, or to fear being seen making them?
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