Writing the questions we avoid — because we already know the answers.
Joined July 2024
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7 a.m. kitchen. coffee. two sentences before the phone, before any news, before anyone needs anything from me.
some mornings that's all it is. two sentences, shoes on, out the door.
some mornings the second sentence opens a door and i write a page.
the bar doesn't care which morning it is.
it just has to get cleared.
starting was always the problem —
so i made the start too small to fail.
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monday morning. clean place, clear head, the best weekend i've had in a while still warm
i used to treat a fresh start like a starting gun — go go go before it slips away
this time i'm taking a second to enjoy that it gets to start again at all
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first race i've ever run: 5k trail race this morning
first in my age group, 27 minutes
cold start, bloodied knee from a bike fall this week, no clue what i was doing
the boring weeks of training did their job anyway
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5k trail race tomorrow and i'm already worried i'll go out too fast and want to quit halfway
that's my pattern everywhere. sprint, hit the wall, call it a sign
it's not a sign. it's pacing
locked in doesn't mean full speed. it means still going when it gets hard
i've been hungrier this week than i have in months
getting over being sick + training hard will do that
we got 55 wings last night and it still wasn't enough lol
taking it as a good sign tho. a body that's asking for more is usually building something
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journaled this morning:
"i'm losing work to joy"
caught up at the job. paid. nothing actually on fire.
so today's list is all me work — a few calls, an easy run, 30 minutes inside my own book.
none of it pays today.
all of it pays eventually.
that's the trade i'm learning to make
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i've been journaling since 2021. 200k+ words.
writing isn't my problem. i do it religiously.
writing for free is my problem. none of those words were pointed at a client, a post, a dollar.
this week that changes. same habit, different target.
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wiped out on my bike this morning.
trying to put my glove back on without stopping — stopping for five seconds felt too slow. ended up on the pavement. ripped my good pants, bloody knee.
the fast way was the slow way.
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didn't want to move desks. 3 years at the same spot, moved a couple rows over — felt pointless.
now that i'm here? it's just a desk.
we tell ourselves untrue stories far too often. let things be. observe
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life is moving so fast and at a snail's pace at the same time.
i want a change. but i love the ease.
the change i want is simple: get a client. get paid for the writing.
one day things will change. till then, i enjoy it.
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Waking up late into play video games is what I needed today frfr
Feels like getting up for Saturday morning cartoons
Where did the time go
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becoming mindless is easy.
returning is always an option.
it might not be easy —
but i can return as many times as i need.
and that option makes all the difference.
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life is a lot more enjoyable
when you're not stressed that you're not doing enough
a couple weeks ago everything i did had to be just right
maximizing my time
my energy
i still care
i just don't let it own me
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had grapes on a sailboat friday
they hit like they were dipped in gold
sun going down
then the full moon came up
biggest i've ever seen it
no phone for hours
not even in my pocket
i think that's why the grapes were so good
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i used to be good at x
quit multiple times
just restarted
and the burnout comes faster each time
x isn't just writing
it's an unrewarding job
and i already have one of those
but i love writing
so i'll keep writing
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why don't i write on the weekends
like i do during the week
do i only write at work?
it's probably my favorite part of the day
and it doesn't happen at home
i think it's structure
at home i have options
at work i have a desk and nothing else
grateful for past jake
he's the reason i am who i am. all his struggles, all his successes.
i'll take his gift and pay it forward to future jake.
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