online idiot | fighting a perpetual feud w/ the creator of the universe | president & official spokesperson of the unofficial @HelloJessicaFox fan club | he/him
i am everywhere. i am the wind
Joined March 2009
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mechanic: you used subpar fuel which corroded your injectors and intake manifold
me: uhh english bro
mechanic: low quality gas damaged your engine
me: dumb it down for me kemosabe
mechanic: bad go-go juice make your vroom vroom machine all fucky
me: oh no
bird man. i kept leaning over and whispering "that's him. that's bird man" to my girlfriend every time they showed michael keaton until she broke up with me & then i didn't really understand what was going on the rest of the movie because i was crying too hard
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miss me with that "text me when you get home" bullshit, when one of the fellas leaves i just hide in the back seat of his car to make sure he gets home okay then sneak into his house and make him some soup
but what if chris rock had been a 500-year-old hobbit whose body and mind had been twisted by the corrupting influence of the One Ring and will smith was tasked with destroying the ring by casting it into the fires of mount doom?
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i remember when twitter discourse was just about things like whether they could do surgery on a grape, how they did surgery on a grape, what we all felt about them doing surgery on a grape, etc
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going viral on astrology twitter by picking a random tweet and quote-tweeting it with "scorpio:" in front
an episode of rugrats where everyone dies in a plane crash and the babies go to purgatory but angelica gets sent to hell
@JackWilliamRtF happy birthday, jack!! as promised, i got you every bird in illinois. don't forget they still live wherever they lived before, but now you can just look at any bird and be like, that bird is mine. i own it.
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it is time
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why would god punish me, a perfect sweetie who has never done anything to him except roast him relentlessly and curse him at every opportunity
i wake up in a cold sweat after dreaming my bathtub was filled with chef boyardee ravioli. i race to the bathroom, relief washing over me as i look in the tub and realize yes, it was a dream. all my spaghetti-os are still there.