Sam Levin

I miss having a president that I’m sexually attracted to (Taft)

Calling Karens who target Muslims “Qurans”

If I dine one more time at the Saddam Hussein Cheesecake Factory™, my punchcard says that me and a guest of my choosing get one complimentary gender re-assignment surgery

Ms. Rachel is on her 7th Four Loko

I need to see Jon Ossoff in gray sweatpants immediately

Doing poppers tonight (jalapeño)

I have the adrenaline of a mom lifting up a car to free her trapped child

Me for the next 19 hours

SNL’s NPR Delicious Dish sketch, but instead of Schweddy Balls, Debbie Dingell comes on to promote her new delicious strawberries; she calls them her “Dingell Berries”

Me at 9 years old thinking this would happen from exactly one puff of marijuana

Someone needs to 5150 Heidi Klum

The Hunt for Red October (my period is 3 days late)

Bowen Yang KICKING himself that he can’t play the Kelly Clarkson bird on update next weekend

Me in 7th grade discovering Benefit’s Hoola Bronzer for the first time

Everyone in LA right now

You read the word as Norepinephrine. I read the word as Nora Ephron. We are not the same.

BREAKING: DuJour has dropped out of Ed Sheeran’s tour

With a face like Ed Sheeran’s, you’d think he’d have a little more compassion for the less fortunate

Coming back home after a relaxing “vacation” with my 4 year old and 1 year old

Taking out your contacts at the end the day is heroin for people over 35

Men, get yourself a girl who can do both (been tried as a witch in the 1600s AND given a lobotomy in the 1950s)