Andrew Vickers

Fuck it the electoral college, whoever is the better golfer wins

Flipping my car to the cold side halfway through the night

Just got into a fight where the opp swung and I ducked and my hat hovered in the air spinning then landed on my head when I stood back up and also there was AMAZING silly jazz piano in the background

My wife’s mental health was bad so I put on cargo shorts then washed the dishes Because if something’s broken, step 1 is turn it off then back on

*in traffic court* So your defense is you weren’t texting, just screen shooting your map because there was 69 miles to the destination? Yessir Well I mean obviously we’re dismissing this ticket

In my saying sorry for the mess when my house is pristine phase

Your honor, have you considered that my client is just right brain dominant

Hell yeah Saudi Arabia just smacked Argentina. If Mexico beats Poland there’s a 100% chance my Uber ride is gonna be lit tonight

I’m doing alright, just at that awkward age between 6 and 40

And we all know what happens when we ASSUME, right?! Exactly, 9/11

[Sweeney Todd] Sidekick: remember that barber whose wife and kid you took 15 yrs ago? There’s a new mysterious barber in his shop Judge: oh wild how old is he Sidekick: prolly like 15 yrs older than the first guy Judge: lmao sweet let’s go get a haircut

[at trader joes] hey do you guys have salt or milk [guy with Palestine flag face tattoo] hahaha oh my god don’t be ridiculous

Radiohead is like road head but I forgot the aux and don’t have Bluetooth

Drunk tried to unlock my house with my car key fob and was pissed about the beeping behind me

Shocked and saddened to learn there was heterosexual activity among buzzfeed personnel

Boss: we need more out of you Me: well I just got a new pack of sticky notes so get ready to eat your words

You’re not going to believe this but Adam Levine just dm’d me asking if he could name his son Saddam Hussein

My buddy said “dude I’ve so so many great blackout memories from college” Hey man no you don’t

Why the public bathroom dryers that you gotta fist with both hands? I’m tryna get clean

Being Irish is every white Americans get out of jail free card, much like it’s every Australians you went to jail for free card