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the content of a thought is the "I just need to …"
the shape of a thought is noticing there is a sticky tangled ball of pain running around in your head and body
you cannot resolve this through the contents the thought
Jamais me esqueci da aula de filosofia do Pedro em que ele começou a falar sobre como algumas coisas só ocorrem por que entendemos o significado. Com isso ele foi dar exemplo de que bebês choram quando caem não por que estão com dor, mas por que se assustam como nosso desespero +
Abstract Fairy retweeted
'meditation' conjures pre-existing notions, of sitting down, of backside hurting, of hours huffing and puffing
'neural practice' is simply mind acting on the mind, it's easy, works anywhere you're safe, doesn't even ask you to breathe funny
Abstract Fairy retweeted
New image limit I can now share my collection of “What Sin do you relish the most”
Virtues and multifandom variants in replies
Abstract Fairy retweeted
Man in the Mirror 🪞
#Sesamestreet (1/4)
Abstract Fairy retweeted
I think most people who are doing inner work would benefit from a period of sleep maxxing, just doing everything in their power to optimize their sleep and figuring out what they can do to integrate the improvements into their day to day life.
First off because many people doing inner work are doing it because they’re suffering immensely, and in the short term fixing sleep has wayyyyyy higher effect size way faster than meditation/therapy IME.
Second, it’s a massive force multiplier. Good sleep makes you far more collected and whole, improving the efficacy of your other practices. Plus sleep is literally THE thing that converts your practices into long term structural changes. Good sleep itself is just very healing in general.
I had untreated sleep apnea for a long time. Getting it treated felt like it revealed a whole other person, one who was so so so much more calm, collected, happy, and full of energy. It’s like I had been living under a fog for years, choking my way through life. It was the nootropic that all of those biohacker had been looking for, completely transformative.
It’s just crazy how important sleep is to health, well-being, and long term growth, and how casually our culture dumps it. Bryan Johnson is right about this.
Plus I notice my poasting ability is directly related to how well I slept. I literally cannot poast good if I slept without my cpap.
Abstract Fairy retweeted
This might be oversharing but I've been doing a lot of soul-searching with respect to family recently and this post of people sharing happy memories with their families is so alien to me.
My mom told me she wanted to divorce my dad when I was around 9 years old. It took her another 9 years to make good on that promise formally but in those interim 9 years there was nothing resembling a normal marriage or family in my household. My dad was permanently exiled to the guest bedroom. My mom would scream at my dad on a routine basis, mostly about money (I watched their marriage go from fine to apocalyptic more or less over night after my dad was laid off). On some level I internalized that love was transactional to ruinous effect later in life.
I hated the family dynamic. I hated it more when my mom would try to make us do things as a family. I recall one Christmas in particular she wanted us to decorate the tree together. As a young child I could not reconcile my mom's decision to terminate the family unit with what I felt was a pantomime of normal family life. I felt like she was trying to have her cake and eat it too. "What do you mean you want us to do this all together, you rejected the family and decided to end it."
I didn't want to participate in what I felt was a "sham" family. Today I would describe it in Baudrillard's language of Simulacra. From the outside we looked like a family. There was a dad, a mom, a son, a daughter. But the actual heart of it, the core, the connections were gone. Destroyed. But the "zombie family" limped on, absent of anything that made it real, but maintaining the outer form, the "sign" of a family, hence the "Simulacrum."
My revulsion to this hollowed out "zombie family," and the generally tense environment that existed whenever my parents were in the room together saw me retreat into my room. It was the only place I had any control over. Retreat became a habit, but so did leaving me alone. "He's moody, he wants to be left alone." And so they did. And leaving me alone became normal. Very normal. Eventually it became more or less total.
From the time my mom decided to break up the family it didn't take long before I de facto had no real relationship with her whatsoever. It was different with my dad. First of all, I am my dad. I am very much so my father's son. He was still taking me to sport practice multiple times a week and my disposition is naturally inclined towards him because we are so similar. I felt the way my mom treated him was egregiously unjust. The truth is I hated her for it. And her more or less total disengagement from me once I started to withdraw to my room exacerbated things.
But on another level I was just a hurt child. I didn't understand. I watched her throw away her wedding vows, seemingly over money. I saw very up close how devastating this was for my father, who was trying so hard. As my father's son my mother's rejection of my father also felt like a rejection of me. Like, if my dad was so bad my mom felt she had to destroy our family over it, it implied she felt she made an enormous mistake in marrying him, which implied that I too was a mistake. A feeling easily reinforced by her behavior towards me. I am somewhat "eccentric." Even when things were "normal" she could get furious at me for not being however she thought I should be.
But to a young child your mother is your creator. In this respect she takes on an aspect of "God." To feel rejected in this way feels akin to being rejected by God. I felt like unconditional love was a lie. When I was neglected alone in my room for years it only reinforced that feeling of having been abandoned by God. Of being excluded from love.
To this day I feel like I don't experience "being loved" like most people do. It's hard to say because I can't know other people's inner worlds, but it somehow feels "mute" or "dampened." Like whatever part of the nervous system is responsible for that atrophied. Maybe that's hyperbolic, but that's how I experience, or more accurately how I don't experience it.
It took me a very long time and devastating experiences later in life with characteristics of "echoes" of this past to fully dig into it. I'm not sure I will ever get a chance at a happy family life now. But suffice to say the last genuinely "happy" memory I have of my mother is so far in the past, and so buried under significantly more memories of misery, as to feel basically meaningless. In some respects I feel like I didn't really have a mother.
Things remain strained to this day. I tried to have a conversation about these things with her in the interest of attempting to mend a bridge that maybe isn't burnt, but is dangerously without maintenance at risk of total collapse. She ran away from it because she didn't want to have a heavy conversation.
There's another layer to this which is her enthusiastic celebration of the destruction of our nation. She is a die hard faithful "Progressive" and over time I've come to understand that her only real principle is whatever the Democrat party tells her. She has in more recent years told me to my face that they had to discriminate against people like me and that I should just accept it for "the cause." I see in her modern politics the same ideology that allowed her to throw our family away, as well as the entitlement to then be shocked when I didn't want to play pretend family afterwards.
It's a deep wound that did immeasurable damage and it gave me a new appreciation for the prior generation for whom divorce was rare. One more Chesterton's Fence torn down with no consideration for what lay beyond it.
I hope one day it might get better but I have increasingly little expectation that it will. Some things can't be mended. And so I have to just make the best of it. There is no alternative, but it does hurt.
Abstract Fairy retweeted
just for a moment I invite you to notice all the ways you're trying to improve yourself and your experience right now
don't try to stop it, just notice that it's going on
now, what's it like to rest your attention in the space between 'you' and this impulse to improve things?
Abstract Fairy retweeted
Outside of verifiable domains llms are limited to the intelligence of their training dataset, yes, maybe, possibly.
People however take that to mean that they will peak at human level intelligence. No, they will peak at the level of the collective superintelligence which humanity makes up, just operating at a million times the coherence and speed. That is not a particularly low upper bound.
Abstract Fairy retweeted
"a certain kind of environmentalist will tell you we have ten years to decarbonize and then defend a review process that uses seven of them."
Abstract Fairy retweeted
Generalnie jest tak, że haitańscy gangsterzy narazili się Bukele, a Bukele zasadniczo gangsterów nie lubi. Więc posłał wojsko i zaczął robić porządek na Haiti.
Tyle, ze jak widać sprawia to kłopot niektórym, którzy korzystają z działalności haitańskich gangsterów. Oficjalnie oczywiście ich zwalczają, ale tak naprawdę popierają myto od handlu narkotykami.
Tak na przykład CIA finansuje szereg swoich działań , które nie mogą być finansowane ze źródeł oficjalnych. Tęka rękę myje.
A Bukele wszystko psuje. Zrobił porządek u siebie i teraz się panoszy.
Całkiem niewykluczone, że dowiemy się nagle, że jest jednak złym człowiekiem, dogłębnie skorumpowanym, że łamie prawa człowieka i że nie zasługuje na to, żeby żyć. Możliwe też, że ulegnie jakiemuś nieszczęśliwemu wypadkowi, bądź zachoruje nagle.
Generalnie porządek świata powinien być przywrócony, bo jak to by wyglądało, że ludzie nieuczciwi byliby w więzieniach, a na wolności tylko uczciwi?
Qui est surpris? Washington demande au premier ministre haïtien de suspendre les opérations de Bukele.
Selon Axios, le chargé d’affaires américain David Howell a demandé par SMS au premier ministre Alix Didier Fils-Aimé d’ordonner à l’armée salvadorienne de suspendre ses opérations militaires contre les gangs, "le temps de se coordonner avec la Force de répression des gangs (GSF)", soutenue par l’ONU.
Une note diplomatique américaine reproche aussi aux soldats salvadoriens d’avoir touché l’ambassade des États-Unis par des tirs, lors de l’attaque du 31 octobre contre leur convoi.
Lundi, le gouvernement de Nayib Bukele a rejeté ces accusations point par point, et a adressé une protestation formelle au département d'état.
Les intérêts de Erik Prince, de la bourgeoisie libano-sioniste, de la CIA, de l'ONU, du Core Group sont-ils en danger avec l'opération de Bukele? Ça va se savoir.
Abstract Fairy retweeted
Bunch of people losing their shit: how does he have the time to be Stripe's CEO AND read Brothers Karamazov?
Same people are surprised by how fast the most effective operators text back. I think all comes from the same place: short feedback loops, which build causal models.
If you act on ideas *fast* they don't stay as ideas long which means you get feedback on errors *fast*. This compounds over time and all your models become causal: they track the actual moving structures of the world. If you don't act on ideas fast they proliferate and become these big castles, these flights-of-fancy that might be barely tethered to reality.
Brothers Karamazov was Einstein’s favorite novel, a verdict he shared with Freud, Hillary Clinton, and Murakami. Dostoyevsky was Pope Francis’s favorite author. Indeed, he approvingly quoted Elder Zosima; perhaps an interesting case of art molding life. At the risk of betraying my relative shallowness and inferiority, I confess that I did not love it.
Written in the shadow of the death of Dostoyevsky’s son (also Alyosha), and, more broadly, after a life of repeated tragedy, Karamazov attempts most of all to address the problem of evil in Christianity. Ivan presents a trenchant argument, asking how the suffering of children may possibly be explained given the existence of a supposedly benevolent God (Dostoyevsky collected real court cases for Ivan), culminating in Ivan’s famous return of the ticket.
The book gives some sense for how dislocating the nineteenth century must have been. The ascendant authority of science, the spread of materialist philosophy, the doctrine of evolution, the aftermath of the French revolution and its supposedly enlightened empiricism: in Karamazov, we get the feeling that finding some kind of consilience wasn’t just an abstract philosophical challenge, but a source of intense spiritual torment. If inherited tradition is no longer an adequate basis for faith, why would we rationally cleave to an apparently irrational theology? All of this was in the air: it was only two years later that Nietzsche declared God to be dead.
Perhaps demonstrating the utility of the novel as a medium, Dostoyevsky does not even attempt to solve the problem, but merely to illustrate a response, showing how individuals (Alyosha, Elder Zosima) may in the face of the inherent injustice present in the world nonetheless pursue lives of benevolence and charity: theodicy-by-example. In so doing, Dostoyevsky tacitly concedes that none of the teetering justifications expounded over the centuries can actually survive critical pressure and be defended through pure logic.
Ultimately, though, I don’t find myself being fully compelled by Dostoyevsky’s characterization of the problem or his proposed solution. As another sprawling confrontation with and attempt to reconcile the problem of evil, Grossman’s Life and Fate is maybe a useful counterpoint. Unlike Karamazov, Life and Fate shows actual people confronting great wickedness. Ikonnikov, a small but important figure, is ordered to help in the construction of a gas chamber. He refuses, with full awareness of the consequences that will ensue. The Karamazovs, by contrast, live middle class lives unvisited by greater events. Ivan has money, education, and leisure; his torment is the invention of his own mind and thus a kind of self-indulgence. Even Alyosha, the novel’s most sympathetic character, is never tested. His crisis is spiritual: there is a slightly comic kerfuffle about Zosima’s noisome corpse, which challenges his faith, but no circumstance requires him to stake his life or even his comfort.
Thus, a fundamental issue with Karamazov is that the problems of the book are on some level fake: they’re the self-inflicted derangements of febrile and dysregulated men. How much can or should we learn from the insane?
To be charitable to Dostoyevsky, we might say that he understood the spiritual dislocation of the era that later gives rise to the larger evils of totalitarianism in the twentieth, even prefiguring them in the Grand Inquisitor. (Dostoyevsky explored this theme in greater detail a few years earlier in Demons.) Camus in 1959: “The real nineteenth century prophet was Dostoevsky, not Karl Marx.” In this interpretation, the problems in Karamazov set the stage for those in Life and Fate.
Maybe. At least as a work of art, I’m not sure that this anticipation is enough to make the book stand on its own. In Karamazov, one continually wonders why the brothers don’t just pull it together. Dostoyevsky seems to transpose his own inner depths and spiritual torment onto his characters, but most people are not tortured writers, and it does not feel that the unhingedness of the characters is ever fully earned.
In attempting to address evil, Grossman’s conclusion is ostensibly similar to Dostoyevsky’s: the only resolution lies in senseless kindness. For Dostoyevsky, this message is embodied in Alyosha, who represents a kind of fervent innocence. For me, however, it’s not clear that Alyosha ever fathoms the realities and extremities of evil, and hence he’s not fully persuasive: does he even reckon with the misdeeds of his brothers?
Grossman is willing to engage head on. Far beyond gruesome newspaper anecdotes or neurotic and volatile siblings, Ikonnikov directly experiences the Holodomor in Ukraine and then the murders of the Jews. He has no patience for the kind of revolutionary ideas that animated Ivan’s contemporaries: “whenever we see [the dawn of an eternal good], the blood of old people and children is always shed.”
Alyosha believes in the Church and is willing to set aside its failures to address suffering. The book closes on his declaration that all shall rise again. That is, Alyosha does not accept the tragedy of Ilyusha, an innocent boy’s death, but rather seeks to deny and escape it. “We shall see each other and shall tell each other with joy and gladness all that has happened.”
Life and Fate flatly rejects providential resolution. The heavens may be empty, and there is no greater meaning in evil. We can simply choose (freedom the other great theme of Life and Fate) to pursue acts of charity, generosity, and comfort:
“Yes, as well as this terrible Good with a capital ‘G’, there is everyday human kindness. The kindness of an old woman carrying a piece of bread to a prisoner, the kindness of a soldier allowing a wounded enemy to drink from his water-flask, the kindness of youth towards age, the kindness of a peasant hiding an old Jew in his loft. The kindness of a prison guard who risks his own liberty to pass on letters written by a prisoner not to his ideological comrades, but to his wife and mother.”
These acts don’t ennoble the suffering but are instead justified on their own terms. Such altruism cannot become a catechism, as clearly lies in Alyosha’s destiny (and Karamazov was planned before Dostoyevsky's death as the first of two works); instead, our kindness must be senseless. And we should presume no salvation in adherence: Alyosha imagines a kind of sacred tutelage, but Ikonnikov is unceremoniously shot.
Karamazov doesn’t show true evil, and Dostoyevsky’s solution, such as it is, involves a kind of denial, or at least evasion through metaphysics. Grossman saw it directly, and instead argues, humanistically, that we should be kind just because.
—
If Dostoyevsky came to his works by trying to understand and depict Russian society, they in turn became tapestries for others to understand national souls.
In the aftermath of WWI, Russia was the great power defined in opposition to the West. As Germany tried to rediscover its own soul in the wreckage of defeat, it looked east to Russia, and frequently to Dostoyevsky himself.
Carl Jung thought that the German people had a kind of Karamazovian quality. In particular, he believed that Christianity had disciplined them without fully transforming the impulses beneath their ostensibly civilized conduct: the “Germanic barbarian” was divided into upper and lower halves. Religion had domesticated the former while leaving the latter untamed. Waning faith consequently threatened to release forces that its authority had long restrained: “As the Christian view of the world loses its authority, the more menacingly will the ‘blond beast’ be heard prowling about in its underground prison, ready at any moment to burst out with devastating consequences. When this happens in the individual it brings about a psychological revolution, but it can also take a social form.”
Dostoyevsky was reputedly invoked on a weekly basis at Max Weber’s Sunday gatherings. At the beginning of Reflections of a Nonpolitical Man, Thomas Mann’s later-repudiated 1918 nationalist polemic, he quotes approvingly Dostoyevsky’s characterization of Germany as the “protesting Western empire”, never quite adopting or feeling at home with the inheritance of Rome. In the same year, Spengler wrote Decline of the West, and explicitly perceived in Russia a youthful vigor, primitiveness, and irrationality that contrasted with the senile high culture of the German and Western worlds. In Magic Mountain, Mann later used Clavdia Chauchat to personify the seductive dangers of Eastern (i.e. Russian) illogic.
Hermann Hesse declared that, for all their differences, Fyodor, Dmitri, Ivan, and Alyosha are actually all of one type; the Russian man. In them, he perceived that “the ideal of the Karamazov, primeval, Asiatic, and occult, is already beginning to consume the European soul”, which was leading to the downfall of Europe. In Hesse’s conception, the Russian man rejects inherited ethics and morals, and even beneficent Alyosha represents an “amoral impartiality.” Man is, Hesse says, halfway between animals and higher consciousness; the former restrained through the process of civilization and domestication. The Karamazovs represent the fraying of the ties.
Hesse proceeds, ominously, to notice that the Germans in particular are more vulnerable than any European people to the temptations of “all those evils which one may regard in different ways, but which collectively signify the Karamazov.” While he was prescient in anticipating some of what would follow, he was in the end too sanguine in his hope that the spiritual dislocation could remain limited to that. “It is possible that the whole Downfall of Europe will play itself out only inwardly, only in the souls of a generation, only in changing the meaning of worn-out symbols, in the dis-valuation of spiritual values.” Alas!
In general, it is interesting to trace the mutual obsession between Russia and Germany: how preoccupied each was with the respective supposedly corrupting influences; how urgent the question of the national soul was felt to be. Many of the analyses seem a bit contradictory—Hesse actually inverts Dostoyevsky, for whom “everything is permitted” nihilism is a Western import for which Russian Orthodoxy is the cure—but there’s a striking intensity in the attempts to apprehend.
Most of all, I’m struck by how anachronistic it all feels today: a country’s writers investigating the national soul and the nation’s fate through the lens of foreign literature.
Which novels or works of art do we use to understand our contemporary issues? Should we be using such works? Do they inform or do they mislead? Today, the US worries a lot about China, but this mostly manifests at the level of trade balances, AI policy, and military prowess. We don’t seem to worry much about the spiritual force of Chinese ideals, and for all of the policy fractiousness, China continues to import and absorb American culture with enthusiasm that is mostly undimmed. There is a genre of jeremiad and cultural analysis in the US that rhymes a little with early twentieth century German criticism, but it today tends to be much more clinical, hinging around PISA scores, smartphones, lower fertility, and not around higher aspirations and ideals as such. So, to what extent should there be analyses of the national soul? And to what extent should they connect with major novels and works of art?
Abstract Fairy retweeted
Much of communication is hard and obscurantist because we've all agreed to pretend that the relevant layer is *actions* when it's actually *intentions.*
Bob is a Very Bad Person who does evil stuff while using therapy-speak words like "setting boundaries" and "feeling attacked." Alice then criticizes the concept of boundaries, saying that it's just a tool for people to avoid responsibility for shitty behavior.
But this isn't actually a problem with boundaries. Bob just wants to be a shitty person. He will turn *literally anything* you give him towards the goal of being a shitty person. Every technique or method or action will be morphed, shifted, edge-cased, and straw-manned into a shape that allows Bob to pursue his actual goals because that is what it *means* for something to be a goal.
Be magnanimous and forgiving -> "Bless your heart"(fuck you) or "I'll pray for you"(also fuck you)
Ensure user safety(They are safe) -> "Ensuring user safety"(don't do any wrongthink or things that might get the company sued)
I need space(time to collect myself) -> "I need space"(I am punishing you with withdrawal with plausible deniability)
Being humble(being humble) -> being humble(show off that I am a better person than you by being more humble)
In all of these cases, the persons *actual intention* is one which their culture has build systems to suppress the expression of. This works in a sort of shoddy, half-baked way.
The intention always was primary. I mean think about what an action is in the first place, it takes you from one state to another- the only way you would ever even generate an action is if you were trying to navigate to some specific state, a goal.
Every system or technique or set of laws you build to suppress an intention WILL be twisted to fulfill those intentions again. The only way to stop this behavior completely is to just stop having the intention, which, well, easier said than done.























































