I follow smart, funny people. Big plus to anyone with horror in their profile. I am liberal and #BLM .

NorCal
Joined October 2010
Masturbating in the shower with an herbal soap while listening to a song with Gregorian Chants summons a 10th century witch. I know this now.
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
No, I’m not sorry for saying it, I’m sorry you found out and I’m sorry if you expected more. I only said it cause it’s true so maybe you should apologize.
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
I guess we’re calling that load of clothes a full pre-wash, cause someone forgot detergent and it wasn’t the dog.
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
You can't even say the word β€œalcoholic” without sounding like one, especially when you’re drunk.
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
probable spam just liked your post
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
You mean to tell me these monsters are mashed?
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
I would be more optimistic about things getting better if they weren't getting worse
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I assume all car salespeople have spent time in prison.
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Rated R for graphic melted cheese and illicit frying of bacon
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
sorry for the things i said when i was on ibuprofen
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
The loan shark’s question was a good one: do I ever want to walk again?
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
Me: biiiig stretch Cop: just put your hands behind your back
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
Halloween candy is expensive this year so I’ll just be handing out razorblades
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
It turns out Gangster Paradise is the Olive Garden
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
Business idea: A haunted corn maze, except what makes it scary are all the pesticides that are slowly poisoning us
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
we all have our fantasies. mine is getting every book i ever lent anyone back in the same identical condition in which it was loaned
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
Me: *asks Siri a question because I'm driving and can't search* Siri: I found the answer and I'll tell you when you're not driving Me:
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
if shit is not getting done at work, give a gay a clipboard
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🐺 Horror Archaeologist πŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ retweeted
The ONLY good thing about cold weather is that you can leave food in your car and it doesn’t go bad
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