@DaddyJew

https://xitter.cf/t.co/Khbo6khxhO

 Baltimore, MD
Joined November 2011
  • Tweets30K
  • Following1.1K
  • Followers38.9K
158Media
*magically pulls a joint out behind my lil nephew’s ear* Nephew’s mom: will you stop doing that
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Ripley’s Believe It or Get Bent!
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the crockpot be talking to white girls like the green goblin mask
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some of the greatest romance novels I’ve ever read were written on bathrooms walls
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DaddyJew retweeted
Darla
@ddsmidt10 Jul 2017
A woman's hearing intensifies as a natural response to a man muttering under his breath.
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shy@shysliaOct 23
do i fucking look sexually active
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Lisa 🖤☠️@MsLisaM21h
I already have big plans to do nothing tomorrow.
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not asleep nor awake but a secret third thing
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Me: biiiig stretch Cop: just put your hands behind your back
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DaddyJew retweeted
Sabrina
@neu_rot_icOct 24
had a dream i fell asleep on someone's chest and every time i would move they would play with my hair and tell me to go back to sleep
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do you want to go look at the sky about it?
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If you try hard enough, almost any food can fit into the toaster
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coffee is a lot easier to enjoy when you have no place to be
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waking and baking thinking about bacon
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shoot for the moon bc even if you miss you might clip some SpaceX satellites
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my guardian angel went on a smoke break and never came back
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DaddyJew retweeted
Pia Nacar@Kimgee8Oct 23
Social media: Here's a product you absolutely don't need.
Me: Add to cart.
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"You're only one medical emergency away from bankruptcy" - bitch, I'm one flat tire away from bankruptcy, wtf are you talking about?
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DaddyJew retweeted
SeaShell@DianeP89Oct 22
Traffic is much more tolerable when you’ve made the best playlist ever.
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DaddyJew retweeted
Covie
@covie_93Oct 22
Zelensky has become more fluent in English in four years than melania in 30 years.
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DaddyJew retweeted
DaddyJew@DaddyJew27 Jan 2015
Librarian: can I check you out? Me: sure [spins around] Librarian: I meant your book Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
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