G99

University debate: "The most vegan meal on earth is a grass-fed steak." Vegan: "I'm sorry, I've read the motion three times. Is it a misprint?" Anthropologist: "No." Vegan: "You're going to stand in front of four hundred people and tell them a steak is vegan." Anthropologist: "The most vegan. I'd like credit for the full claim." Vegan: "It's a dead cow." Anthropologist: "One. What did you have for lunch?" Vegan: "A lentil and rice bowl. Nothing died for it." Anthropologist: "It came off a ploughed field. Mice, voles, ground nests, every insect in it, cleared out several times a year by a machine the width of this stage. One bullock feeds a person for twelve months. I'm on one death. You lost count at the starter." Vegan: "Those are accidents." Anthropologist: "I'll let the voles know it wasn't personal." Vegan: "Fine. The planet. Cattle take up enormous amounts of land." Anthropologist: "Hill, rain and grass. Land no plough can touch. He eats what grew there by itself and nobody has to clear a thing. Your lentils needed the field emptied first." Vegan: "We could rewild it." Anthropologist: "With what?" Vegan: "...Grazing animals." Anthropologist: "I've brought some." Vegan: "This is absurd. Humans can get everything they need from plants." Anthropologist: "There's a lawn outside. Help yourself." Vegan: "We can't digest grass." Anthropologist: "He can. Four stomachs and a vat of bacteria. He's the only system on earth that gets everything out of a plant, and he hands it over as protein, iron and the B12 you're taking as a tablet." Vegan: "So your argument is that the cow is vegan." Anthropologist: "Strictly. Never touched meat in his life. I'm simply eating a plant-based diet that's been finished properly." Vegan: "You cannot call that vegan." Anthropologist: "Fewest deaths, no plough, no supplements. If you've a better word for what you were after, I'll use it." Moderator: "Time." Vegan: "I'd like the motion read out again." Moderator: "It's still not a misprint."