Congregant: Rabbi, I have a strong desire to live forever. What should I do? Rabbi: Join Twitter. Congregant: And will I live forever? Rabbi: No, but the desire will disappear.

Me when Mandy Patinkin simps for another Jew hater

Metamonides

Islamist politicians

I asked my shidduch date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

Release the lions 🦁

Avram to his wife Sarai: Quick, pretend like you’re my sister Ilhan Omar’s brother to Ilhan: Quick, pretend like you’re my wife

Rabbi: Were you the one who ate all the cholent? Me: Not to my knowledge

🎯

People need to stop sending me ads in the mail. I don’t want to see a band called Shul Membership Dues, no matter how “outstanding” they are.

Hard pass

😁

France is cooked

Next on Jerry Springer…

Perfect nutshell of the west ignoring the spread of Islamism

Dwayne “The Hock” Johnson

Liberté, Égalité, Flambé!

I hope Emily is okay

(ONE WEEK LATER) Snails: Shkoyach, Reb Noach