Open Season

I’d like a full refund.

Apple is developing a robot that folds your laundry. Knowing Apple, the arms will be sold separately.

Took the long way round to ‘men have standards now’, but you got there.

Reform UK has launched its own newspaper with Nigel Farage on the front page. Finally, something you can line the bottom of a birdcage with that talks more shit than the parrot.

The Home Office is now filming immigration raids. Presumably the raid is called off if the lighting isn’t right for the editor.

An Oxford lecturer teaching in massive fake breasts. Finally, a degree course that gives you a practical demonstration of inflated expectations.

A baby doll, a pair of enormous knickers and a child’s tricycle have been found in Devon sewers. Police are now looking for a very small cyclist with a complicated private life.

Coastguards responded to screams off the Wirral coast. Turned out to be seals. Apparently, they’d spotted a small boat approaching.

A Grimsby chicken-shop owner says he’s minding four chickens for a mate. That’s like asking Sweeney Todd to run a crèche.

The GHOST Paper raises questions about technology allegedly found inside the human body. If any of it turns out to be true, who do we call? Ghostbusters?

Council tax is becoming a subscription service. The price keeps rising, the services keep disappearing, and apparently you can’t cancel.

A British Airways pilot reported a mysterious flying object the size of four toasters. Air traffic control presumably asked whether they were two-slice or four-slice.

Police dog eats a garden full of rocks and needs surgery. His handler has confirmed he’s being transferred out of the drugs squad.

Not yet, but knowing this government, it’ll be a custodial sentence by Tuesday.

Parker Posey misheard “horror” as “whore” live on TV, then discovered she wasn’t even in the film they were asking about. In fairness, horror was the right genre.