Portlanders: what do you think of this idea? Establish Portland’s First Municipal OnlyFans Account Mayor and Councilors, I’m here today with a bold, innovative, revenue-neutral proposal to address Portland’s crumbling streets without raising taxes, issuing another bond, or hiring a consultant to study why we have potholes. I propose that Portland establish the nation’s first Municipal OnlyFans account. That’s right. We have a City Council full of people who love to perform for an audience. Let’s finally monetize the performance. Here’s the business model: Councilors submit tasteful photographs of their feet. Residents subscribe for exclusive content. For an additional fee, subscribers can purchase personalized messages like, “Your tax dollars are hard at work,” or “We’re listening to your concerns.” Premium subscribers get behind-the-scenes footage of Council debating whether a pothole is an equity issue, a transportation issue, or evidence of systemic oppression. And all proceeds go directly into the Pothole Repair Fund. Think about it! Every time a Portland driver hits a crater large enough to swallow a Subaru, we could ask: Why are we making taxpayers foot the bill when the City Council could literally put its feet to work? We could even introduce a tiered subscription model. Basic members get blurry photos. Premium members get high resolution. Our top donors get a livestream of Council trying to find the money to fill a hole. I recognize there may be concerns about dignity. But let’s be honest: dignity left Portland government a long time ago. We’re simply proposing a new revenue stream to replace it. And unlike some city initiatives, this program would have measurable performance metrics, a paying customer base, and a direct connection between revenue and results. So, Councilors, stop putting your foot in your mouth and start putting your feet to work. Portland has enough potholes to fill—and apparently enough political foot traffic to monetize. @OnlyFans @MayorKWilson @jamiedunphy @mitch4portland @TeacherTiff4PDX @pnwpolicyangel @kanalforpdx #portlandAF #PortlandOregon