Dandy

I think everyone’s avi should have a mood ring around it. Feeling some kind of way? We have a ring color for that.

Until Twitter allows me to create my own gif library, I don’t want to hear anymore tutorials about copying gifs.

What a weird game. Go Broncos!

I’m at the “hey, I don’t have that color hoodie yet” stage of life.

Nice job, fellas!

Every time I’m up late on Twitter it feels like those times as a kid when you get to a new school and just have to observe.

I was waiting for an elevator today and as it was opening the guy inside sneezed the biggest sneeze I’ve ever witnessed. He walked out and I instinctively said “bless you”. He just looked at me for about 3 seconds. So I said, “you need another one or can I go up now?”

While this is impressive, all I can wonder is “who is the most elite left-handed accordion player?”, and “or do they just flip it upside down like Jimmy Hendrix?”

Sam Darnold just sat on the bench and took off his helmet and I thought it was Dwight Schrute

I think I’ve finally found the solution to this cold.

Based on all the “time for Christmas” tweets, I feel bad for Thanksgiving.

I’m starting to think any account that started ~12+ years ago is a bot account

My dog is an old man at nearly 14 years old. What I’ve learned in those years is that there is exactly a 0% chance he doesn’t know the time changed and tomorrow he’ll be nudging me to feed him at 4pm in today’s time.

I just took some NyQuil. If you ever wanted to take advantage of me you have about 20 minutes before I pass out.

If this cold doesn’t kill me tonight, it’s over for you chumps!

I’d UberEats you some Taco Bell for a neck rub right now.

UberEats but to have someone show up to help me stretch my back before bed

Tapas restaurants should be outlawed for business dinners.