Quarantined Anders (@andersjazz) profile picture

Quarantined Anders

@andersjazz

True Twitter genius providing everything you could ever need for a lavish Twitter experience.

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Joined January 2010
  • Tweets28.6K
  • Following1.3K
  • Followers547
2.3KMedia
Photo by Quarantined Anders (@andersjazz)Photo by Quarantined Anders (@andersjazz)Photo by Quarantined Anders (@andersjazz)Photo by Quarantined Anders (@andersjazz)Photo by Quarantined Anders (@andersjazz)Photo by Quarantined Anders (@andersjazz)Photo by Quarantined Anders (@andersjazz)Photo by Quarantined Anders (@andersjazz)Photo by Quarantined Anders (@andersjazz)Photo by Quarantined Anders (@andersjazz)
Quarantined Anders retweeted
Joe Pontillo (@JoePontillo) profile picture
Joe Pontillo@JoePontillo11h
I love when stores create an elaborate maze that leads to the cash registers. It's like "Do you have what it takes to pay!?"
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They should do a podcast where a bunch of comedians give us their opinions on all kinds of everyday things.
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Skyline Chili is the best use of free will this world has ever seen.
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Quarantined Anders retweeted
Functionally Feral (@FeralFerrell) profile picture
Functionally Feral@FeralFerrellOct 27
nothing much surprises me anymore, but I still startle pretty easily
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The Hidden Valley Ranch is Valhalla for Midwesterners.
Image from 𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 (@MoMohler)
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Quarantined Anders retweeted
Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) profile picture
Sunshine Jarboly@SunshineJarbolyOct 27
one time i found two mormon missionaries on my porch praying to my beach cruiser.
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Quarantined Anders retweeted
Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) profile picture
Sunshine Jarboly@SunshineJarbolyOct 27
i always compliment my friend’s achievements by saying ‘you’re going large’ or ‘congrats. extra large, bro’ which is basically a play on the word large. sometimes i’ll say, “wow, that’s largetime, bro,” in where i simply smash together the words large & time to create a new word.
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My favorite German techno song is probably Munchhausen by Proxy.
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My town’s Verizon store is in an old Pizza Hut, and some of the employees say that in the evening if you listen really closely you can hear the faint sound of personal pan pizzas being made in the back.
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Quarantined Anders retweeted
Joe Pontillo (@JoePontillo) profile picture
Joe Pontillo@JoePontilloOct 26
It's good to have an agent so they can also get no response from people.
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Giving my kids polygraph tests to see who ate my leftover chili.
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Quarantined Anders retweeted
Kip Conlon (@kipconlon) profile picture
Kip Conlon@kipconlonOct 23
Me: I don't sign anything without a lawyer. Co-worker: Okay. Can I TELL Kathy you hope she gets well?
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Quarantined Anders retweeted
Kirby Carlisle (@2010brianwilson) profile picture
Kirby Carlisle@2010brianwilsonOct 21
The 1 train is so unserious. 18th street. Get a grip
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Quarantined Anders retweeted
Rich (@SouthernRLM) profile picture
Rich
@SouthernRLMOct 21
The music you choose has a profound impact on your mood, on your outlook, hell, your entire life. Sometimes just changing the song can change everything
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Life hack: Use your first paycheck of the month to cover what you’ll need for your mortgage, car and boat loans, utilities, insurance, food, landscaping bill, country club statement, etc, then you can use your next 3 checks to invest in high return money markets or rainy day fund.
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Quarantined Anders retweeted
Joe Pontillo (@JoePontillo) profile picture
Joe Pontillo@JoePontilloOct 20
Crashed into 3 cars pulling out of the parking lot but stuck my hand out the window which means no one can get mad at me.
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A Subway sandwich artist not having to ask you to repeat any of your toppings is a great sign of respect in their culture.
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Quarantined Anders retweeted
Joe Pontillo (@JoePontillo) profile picture
Joe Pontillo@JoePontilloOct 20
People in NYC cross the street like they want to be hit by a car which honestly makes sense because that might be their best financial option.
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Quarantined Anders retweeted
One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) profile picture
One Awkward Mom@oneawkwardmomOct 19
Them: what are you eating? Me: protein bar. Them: that looks like a Reese’s pumpkin. Me: exactly. Protein bar.
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Quarantined Anders retweeted
Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) profile picture
Sunshine Jarboly@SunshineJarbolyOct 18
my family has a deep & rich tradition where every week we get dressed up in our sunday best, cook a large dinner straight out of the betty crocker cookbook, pile our plates full of food, go to the living room, sit in front of the zenith color tv & watch an episode of LAW & ORDER.
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