“I quit twitter, fools.” (him/he quit)
Brooklyn, NY
Joined March 2009
- Tweets9.2K
- Following605
- Followers656
- Likes2K
Pinned Tweet
New twitter, like new Coke before it, is gross and I don’t want to drink it. Also Bill Cosby was the face of new Coke and that shit seems apt, too.
1
217
I’ve lost loved ones to cancer, AIDS, addiction, the lot. And yet nothing is worse than your friend marrying a Peloton guy.
3
274
Why can’t my seven-year-olds get out of the car?
0%They are crazy stupid
14%You’re asking too much
14%Coddled by childcare
71%You made a huge mistake
7 votes • Final results 115
Everyone: you have consistently failed to move with the prevailing culture
NYT: HOW BOUT NOW?
nytimes.com/2023/02/17/style…
132
If you like getting 100 consecutive one-word texts you’re gonna LOVE being married. Happy Valentine’s Day!❤️
152
Always the dad at dropoff, never the Finnish detective with a troubled past returning to his village only to land a gruesome murder riddled with conflicts of interest.
3
134
Don’t let *any* socials bully you into watching a zombie mushroom show during a raging pandemic. Just don’t.
1
260
My kingdom (one small, rented apartment) for a regular fucking doorbell with wires and, like, an actual bell.
141
I’d like ‘The Load Out/Stay’ by Jackson Browne at my funeral. I mention this as three seven-year-old girls are in our apartment rn pretending to have ‘broken their butts.’
212
jack fagan retweeted
None of the late night shows are brave enough to have Henry Rollins play George Santos.
This is not a line from The Birdcage nor is it invented to make me look mad-capped, funny, or surprising: I BURNED THE SOUP
140
