I write about addiction and becoming a functional human
Joined January 2019
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For all the people lingering in the shadows:
Maybe you're out there thinking that you could never be truly sober. That staying sober is the one thing you could never do. Maybe a part of you thinks it's completely mad to even consider sobriety.
Naked, without a life vest, without your old friend being there to hold you when you're anxious, to whisper words of embrace when the intrusive thoughts enter on lonely nights, to help you carry the weight of having to appear a functional human being.
So much baggage. Where did it all come from?
Who knows. But you know this: other people don't have to carry what you are carrying. How else are they gently existing without wanting to blow their brains out from the pressure of being conscious? Were they just born with quiet minds?
That must be it. They must have been born with a blessed brain, or at the least, saved from the curse that life inflicted on you, and only you. Do they know why you drink? Could they even understand if they tried?
It all just feels so alone.
Why even consider sobriety? It's not possible. How would that be possible?
If you tried and failed, would you sink even deeper? Another delusion drifting helplessly onto the pile of wreckage that is your life story?
Perhaps what you fear isn't failure. Maybe the thing you fear the most is having hope. Because having hope before losing it is so, so painful, and you don't deal with pain very well.
Normal people fall and get up again. Not you. The pain floors you for months, taking all hope of change with it. Better to avoid the pain than to be crushed completely. Pain is the catastrophe, the armageddon, and only a madman would willingly enter the end of the world.
You want to avoid the pain, but it never goes away. You just manage to hide it, to push it away before it comes back. You know it, but what's the alternative?
You've tried fighting and you've tried avoidance. Both lead back to the same thing. Both are extremes that fuel the stream of addiction.
What if you did something you've never tried before? For 10 seconds, a minute, what if you could hold the line and withstand the tidal wave of emotions when you stand still?
What if you stand in the middle of the storm and just keep standing there? Like a simpleton who doesn't know anything about anything.
Not reacting. Observing. Sometimes feeling. But mostly observing. Right in the boring middle. Where you never wanted to be.
'This is so stupid' the brain keeps repeating. You don't react, because you have just become Forrest Gump, standing there like an idiot.
You tell the brain that 'stupid is as stupid does,' because for a smart person you have done some stupid things. Time to stop being smart. Time to try something else.
So you go into dumb perseverance. Not pushed to any one side. Not running away. Not fighting. But standing. Observing. Sober. For an hour, maybe even one whole day.
Maybe for that one day being sober doesn't seem that impossible anymore.
Maybe you could even do it the next day too. And 1 more. And 1 more...
Maybe one day you look out over the horizon, and you suddenly realize there used to be a storm where now there is nothing but clear waters.
Chris retweeted
Many of us on the 12-step journey have felt let down by organized religion, especially when we were taught to see God as a "Cosmic Butler"—someone who caters to all our needs and desires without requiring anything in return. Like Jelly Roll sings, we often find ourselves only talking to God when we need a favor. It’s the modern-day form of foxhole faith: "Just get me out of this," and I swear I'll never be bad again!
But God is so much more. God resides within each of us, embedded in our very creation. We all possess unique gifts and talents meant to enhance our lives and uplift those around us. Instead of becoming overwhelmed by our abilities or focusing solely on personal gain, our true calling is to use these gifts to support others and build a nurturing community.
I’ve experienced this firsthand. Whenever I moved to a new city or started a new job, I often felt alone and isolated. I would pray for God to place the right people in my life, but then I realized that God expects us to walk the walk. So, I would seek out activities to get myself out there—joining clubs, attending events, anything that could help me meet new people. When I met someone who seemed nice, I’d invite them to lunch, coffee, a walk, a movie, rollerblading, or just hanging out on the beach. Through these efforts, I discovered whether we were part of the same tribe. Sometimes we became acquaintances, other times like stepbrothers, best friends, or kindred spirits.
For example mutual aid networks that surged during the COVID-19 pandemic. People didn’t just focus on their own survival; they reached out to support their neighbors by delivering groceries, providing emotional support, and sharing resources. This collective effort ensured that even when one person faced difficulties, the entire community benefited from shared strength and support.
As Joseph Campbell wisely noted, "If you want to save the world, save yourself first." By focusing on our personal growth and healing, we naturally contribute to the well-being of those around us. In our recovery, it’s about discovering and nurturing our talents, taking active responsibility for our growth, and serving others. By doing so, we create a network of mutual support where everyone’s strengths contribute to our shared resilience and success. Healing comes through connection and empowerment, not through dependency or passive expectation.
Let’s embrace a faith that encourages us to act, grow, and build meaningful relationships. By giving to make our recovery community stronger and having a tribe to lean on when we’re struggling, we foster an environment of genuine support and shared triumphs. This isn't about collectivism; it's about individual contributions that enhance the well-being of the entire group.
Together, we can create a community where our inner strengths shine, fostering a place of true connection and collective well-being.
Chris retweeted
2 YEARS ago I finally put down drink & drugs! I had NO idea that a healthy, happy, sociable, adventurous life was waiting right around the corner! It’s been an incredible journey so far of learning & finding myself. I’m so grateful & excited for what else is to come! 😁
Chris retweeted
"Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing." – Dostoevsky
This reminds us that the hardest amends to make are often to ourselves. We cling to guilt and shame, thinking punishment will redeem us. But in reality, that’s just pride—refusing to let go of control.
Dostoevsky's words highlight how we betray our true selves by holding onto pain, wasting time, and chasing illusions of control. Yet, our Higher Power has already forgiven us. The only thing left is to surrender, accept grace, and forgive ourselves.
Freedom begins when we stop betraying who we were meant to be. Let go.
When I got to rehab they taught me everything that I held true, was a lie.
To have my reality shattered so brutally was pain, but out of that pain grew a new consciousness.
It left me wondering: what else was I wrong about?
The addiction is there to sooth the pain
The pain is fed by dysfunctional coping mechanisms
The coping mechanisms are there because they once helped you survive
You felt you needed to survive because you didn't feel safe
Now its safe. But you don't feel it. You can't feel it. The addiction covers the layers.
The upper layer is the addiction. Only the first stop on the rabbit hole.
But many will get stuck on the pain. They'll find all sorts of reasons why there is no cure for the pain. They muddy the waters to make it look like there is only pain. It's become so normal they barely realize they do it.
Barely. But they know. This is the dirty part. The nasty secret they keep.
You see, there is a part of them that doesn't want to lose the pain.
Because that would mean they would lose their favorite medicine.
And on it goes.
What people say:
'Just do service.'
What I hear:
'Let other people have control over how you should feel about yourself. Continue the toxic pattern of raising others' needs above your own. Earn your self-worth through people-pleasing.'
The 'just do service' is poison to people-pleasers.
I am having one of those days where I don't know why I'm here or what my purpose is in this world.
But at least today I could speak to another addict and be understood.
Take a chance. Help a stranger. You might make a true friend and end up helping each other more than you could have ever predicted.
My Sunday talks with @AddictedChris fix me.
It’s amazing how a Dutch and a Spanish person who never met help each other while learning to navigate life being sober and can talk for hours in English and understand each other so well even when I make up so many words.
#Grateful
I am experiencing moments of peace lately that I didn't know were possible.
It's hard for me to put into words how weird it feels to see life happening for me.
Because I was programmed to self-destruct. Because I thought that life put a curse on me I could never escape.
If anything good happened to me, some catastrophe would inevitably follow.
"I hate myself" was the mantra I would repeat dozens of times on any given day, even in recovery.
Because I didn't know what else to do except blame myself for my own misery. I didn't know I could knock on the doors of higher powers I don't even understand.
It's been so unbelievably quiet lately. So calm. But I keep looking for that catastrophe to strike, because surely things can not go well for me in this life?
Because it just wasn't meant for me. How could this peace be real?
But there it is. Every morning. And then I sit on the side of my bed and I do a little prayer, and I thank the peace, and the silence, and sobriety, and being healthy, and the good people that have come into my life like messengers.
So much work I've done to get here, yet the work is also being done for me. I am in control and I am not at all in control.
And I start another day expecting that good things can happen to me.
To ME?!
Just December of last year was when the drink was still on my mind sometimes. But now? I just realized it's been months since drinking entered my mind in any shape or form. And it's because I started liking myself and life.
Should you become sober?
I don't know.
For many years basing my life around substances was the best I could do. 'Alcohol/drugs bad' wasn't an argument.
Worse was the threat of having to face reality.
I felt like sobriety would kill me before the substances could.
Chris retweeted
Psychedelics, and especially Ayahuasca dissolve the ego and the outer world and give you front-row seats to the inner world
The ego is necessary for survival:
- It helps you differentiate between internal and external stimuli
- Facilitates decision-making, problem-solving, and planning
- Mediates desires and moral constraints
- It helps you maintain a sense of identity and continuity
This comes at a cost: (Defense mechanisms)
- Denial
- Repression
- Rationalization
- Projection
- Hedonism
If you say you aren't guilty of the above, that's your ego implementing a "denial" defense mechanism because we all do this
It's just part of being human
When the ego is dissolved on ayahuasca, your shadow comes out in the flesh and you're forced to confront all the uncomfortable truths you've known all along but have repressed:
Your dark traits, weaknesses, shortcomings, lies
But not just your dark traits, weaknesses, shortcomings, lies
The darkness in your family, friends, community, country, government, the world, the UNIVERSE
This is the hard part
When people say "Ayahuasca opens portals to demons" What they're really saying is "I have demons"
The dissolution of ego and the outer world presents you with 2 options:
Option 1: Do you take the red pill and make peace with it?
If you do, you get to move on to the best part: unity consciousness
I won't spoil it for you, partially because there aren't even words that can describe it
But if you're open enough, willing to take the ego hit, embrace the lessons and integrate: you unlock superhuman consciousness
This benefits you in every aspect of life: physically, mentally, financially, romantically, you name it
But truly, it's not for everyone
Option 2: you take the blue pill and cry "ohhh it opened a portal to demons, I was on a hallucinogenic drug, none of that is real, poor me, I'm a victim, I'm better than everyone, I'm definitely NOT the universe (or god, the creator, etc) experiencing itself subjectively through this 3D carbon-based avatar and we're definitely not all connected, and everything from subatomic particles is definitely not conscious and interconnected into this higher multidimensional consciousness, and we are definitely not all citizens of eternity " and try to go back to normal life
Except you can't quite go back to normal, can you?
You can't unsee what you've seen and it'll drive you insane as you exhaust your mind in an endless game of mental gymnastics trying to rationalize your old ways of thinking, being, and doing
This is why it's not for everyone
Especially people with very low openness on the big five personality traits
Some of us aren't meant to have those doors kicked open in this life
If you're very high openness, willing to believe that EVERYTHING you know is a lie (it's not, but a lot is and human consciousness is inherently distorted as a means for the survival of our species)
Then it *might* be for you, and if it is it will call you
Alcohol is a demon that you invited into your life. It's that bad friend that's been staying on your sofa for too long.
You say you want him to go, but he knows you don't mean it. Struggling through daily life and coming home in a place that feels empty, sending away the only friend you have seems wrong.
The thing is, he will make sure you keep feeling that way, because he is the one that got you through some shit. So he guilt trips you into staying.
He'll remind you of your insufficiencies when you think about growth. He'll scoff and laugh when you talk about wanting to become a better person. He gets angry when you consider wanting to get better friends.
How dare you throw away everything he has done for you?
Wasn't he enough for you? Wasn't it you two against the world?
Wasn't he the only one that was there when you most needed it?
And he'll rage and scream and dig up all the most horrible shameful things from your past to put you down, and make you stay with him on that shoddy couch, washing away consciousness, talking about the 'good old day's' that become increasingly hard to remember.
And you wonder time and time again how someone that you once called a friend can make you feel so bad about yourself, and why you can't find the strength to say goodbye.
And he'll say it's because you still need him.
It's your job to learn that you no longer do.
#RecoveryPosse
I believe we are either in an upwards spiral, or a downwards spiral.
If left alone, things will fall apart.
But for me it's not a daily spiritual reprieve or maintenance.
It's about how much can I GROW as I keep releasing the brakes of my self-imposed limitations.