Rachel Dines

Due to a worrying outbreak of empathy for Palestinians, the British government is taking a string of measures to tackle antisemitism in schools. These measures include banning things that are not antisemitic but might hurt the feelings of Zionists, such as telling the truth about Israel and acting like Palestine exists. Most importantly, schools will establish a new racism hierarchy which will go like this: - Antisemitism will be put in a separate category and treated as an extra-evil form of racism that causes more serious harm than the others. - Anti-black racism will be something that we occasionally pretend to care about, but we’ll still treat every black boy like a potential drug dealer. - Islamophobia will be ignored, and if anyone kicks up a fuss, counter-terrorism police will be notified of possible radicalisation. - Anti-GRT racism will be positively encouraged because we all hate gypsies, don’t we? - And finally, anyone who refuses to participate in anti-Palestinian racism will be arrested and charged with an antisemitic hate crime. We need much stricter measures to prevent antisemitism because it’s not more prevalent than other forms of racism. Apparently, 95% of black kids have experienced racism at school, but they’re not top of the hierarchy so who cares? A whopping 60% of Jewish kids have experienced antisemitism at school, even though 70% of them attend a Jewish school. This proves that even Jewish schools are hotbeds of antisemitism. While we centre Jewish pupils, it’s important that we disregard the feelings of Palestinian pupils. We demand neutrality in our schools so even something as simple as a badge with the Palestinian colours will be banned. We don’t want any political symbols around our kids, thank you. Obviously, it will be fine to wear an Israeli badge because we wouldn’t dare ban those. Poppies will also be fine as long as they’re not those evil black, white, green, and red ones. All pupils will be expected to wave the Ukrainian flag every morning. The aim is to give them a more nuanced understanding of conflict. We need to stop alarming them with sensationalist claims, which is why we’re telling them Russia is going to invade Europe like Hitler and they must be ready for conscription by the time they leave school. If the Russia threat goes away, they can go fight whichever stupid Middle East war Israel is starting next. In the meantime, they can practice by playing Call of Duty until they are numb to mass death and destruction. Far too many British kids were feeling sad about stuff on TikTok and not behaving like the hate-filled brats we want them to be. Now that we’ve banned them from social media and banned TV presenters from saying the word “genocide”, all we need to do is ban kids from talking about Gaza in schools and they will have no idea what’s going on. Their malleable minds will then be ready. The final step in our devious plan will be to give all teachers special training to tackle antisemitism. They will be sent over to Israel where they will get the re-education treatment and be forced to kiss the wall, just like all the politicians Israel controls. Anyone who doesn’t put their tongue deep enough into the crack will be beaten until their kissing technique improves. They will then be sent back to the UK to teach kids that genocide is “complicated” and tell them a lovely story about how God promised Zionists that land 3,000 years ago and it’s racist to not let them steal it. They will then ask them to perform healthy tasks such as throwing darts at pictures of Zack Polanski.