I don't know what I'm doing but I hope you like it. Follow me on Instagram, I hate it here.
Joined July 2011
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your bff alex retweeted
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
your bff alex retweeted
I don’t get it.
Are Americans just like… really really really really really really fuckin’ dumb?
your bff alex retweeted
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
your bff alex retweeted
[Movie theater]
Date: did you sneak in Goldfish like I asked?
Me: yup *reaches into coat pocket* uh oh
Date: did you forget?
Me: no but they stopped movin
your bff alex retweeted
Single in my forties, trying to relate to folks:
“Oh, you have kids? That’s awesome. My co-worker has kids.”
your bff alex retweeted
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
your bff alex retweeted
Ice cream: you guys wanna chill tonight?
Irish cream: let's get fookin' plastered
Whipped cream: can't, my wife wants me to watch hgtv with her
Heavy cream: she only married you because of the pregnancy
your bff alex retweeted
A collab with @Jevk_ who did chroma lights for this map!
"Tick Tick Boom" is a single by Swedish rock band The Hives, released in 2007.
Thanks to @psybermonkey for commissioning this map!
Download it here: beatsaver.com/maps/394a1
your bff alex retweeted
This Video is Not Mine
It is the brilliant creation of Nina Paley @ninapaley, capturing what is at the heart of the conflict in Palestine/Israel, war in general, human nature.
You might say this video slays...